Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
