Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
