so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
