i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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