I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
