there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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