she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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