Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didn't notice because vodka
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize