I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
