He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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