fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
