How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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