you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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