sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
