i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
