Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
