last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
