i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
