Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
