I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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