I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
