my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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