He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
