I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
