smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
