Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize