I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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