I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
