i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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