my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
