OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
