Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
