my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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