I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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