Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
