No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
