We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Less talking, more tequila
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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