You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
