i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
They took my balls.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions