u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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