How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
