If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
