i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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