Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
