Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
