someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
