I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
