I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
