the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
How naked do you want me to be?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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