If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He did a backflip because drugs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
