Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
